Top Post No. 1 for 2011: For the last 10 business days (Mon-Fri) of 2011 we are going to repost our top posts from the year. Our readership has grown and we thought this would be a fun way to share our most-read posts again. This post originally appeared on April 12, 2011. (The top 10 posts exclude our fairytale series and our debt free story posts.)
Marriage is hard.
I’ve loved just about every minute of it, but it takes work. And we still have a ton to learn, but I wanted to jot down some thoughts about our marriage at this point in time. Please know that foremost, I’m writing this post for myself, because I need reminders. Eric and I will not deny that we had a couple rocky years (I used to be much more selfish and immature, and will share more about that some other day). Maybe you’ll learn something from this, and I hope that you’ll share your own lessons with us as well.
What I know is that these 12 things have made the past couple years easier than the first two. Here’s to hoping that we keep learning and making our marriage stronger.
1. Financial Peace University. For us, this class was more marriage counseling than financial planning. We didn’t realize how many stresses, discussions and arguments were rooted in our fears or differing opinions about money. Uncle Dave helped us get on the same page.
2. We don’t say the “D” word. I learned this from talking with a friend, who has the same rule in her marriage. There were a few times early in our marriage where we would joke that we were going to “get the papers.” It was 100% a joke. But it felt weird. So we made a pact to stay away from that language at all times.
3. We took a marriage course. No one teaches you how to be married. We both came into it with different views of how it should look, so we took a class at our church a year after we got married and it opened our eyes to a lot of things. I hope that we take a parenting course when the time comes, and we also plan to do a marriage retreat this fall to celebrate our five-year anniversary.
4. We talk about everything. If I buy a candy bar out of the vending machine at work, I tell Eric about it. Not because he needs to track every dollar I spend, but because I want him to know everything about me. And if we get huffy with each other, we try to figure out what we’re really upset about. We learned in our marriage course that if you don’t get to the bottom of it, it may leave scars that pile on top of each other and years down the road you are so lost and disconnected that you don’t know how to get it back.
5. We learn together. Eric is very much a lover of learning, and always trying to become a better version of himself. I joke that I feel about one year behind him (he is so intentionally driven!), but as of recently I’m making strides. We try to be intentional about making ourselves better people each and every day. One easy way we learn together is by listening to audiobooks on road trips longer than an hour. We listen, I take notes and then we discuss what we both think. It helps us grow in our understanding of a particular subject (money, faith, etc.), and we feel stronger and closer than we did before.
6. We have the same goals. Each year, typically at the end of the year, we have an annual family meeting. We talk about finances, plan for the upcoming year (budget, vacations, etc.), reflect on the past year and set goals.
7. We take vacations. It’s important to take time away from everyday life and renew your spirit–within a budget, of course. We love going to Okoboji for a week during the summer months, and last year we kept it local and also did a staycation to explore our city. We have taken a big trip (flying or driving out of state) each year we’ve been married, but we understand this will get tougher after we have kids. We know we want to go to family camp when we have kids.
8. We take walks together. Some of our best conversations happen when we get out of the house and take a stroll. This is when our minds are free to dream about what we really want to do with our lives. It’s hard to do that when I’m sitting in our living room, because I’m so focused on the day-to-day operations of our house. For example, it was hard for me to think about selling our house when I was sitting in it. If we take a stroll around the block, though, and talk about our bigger dreams, it doesn’t seem quite as scary–and I know we’re in it together.
9. We’re honest and open with each other. Can you think of an instance when being dishonest has paid off? I can’t. Secrets don’t make friends. It doesn’t come easy to me, but over-communicating can be a really powerful way to earn trust in your marriage. One night, after attending church where the message was about pornography, Eric told me, “I don’t download pornography and hide it from you.” Now, this wasn’t something he had to tell me. I was sure that he didn’t. But, his openness really meant a lot to me, and it got the ball rolling for a very open and honest conversation between us.
10. We don’t take ourselves too seriously. A lot of little snags could turn into arguments if we weren’t able to laugh them off. I failed miserably at this for a couple years. When Eric would make a joke about me, I would get embarrassed or defensive. Then I realized that we weren’t competing with each other; we are on the same team! And marriage is funny! Now we take time to laugh about it.
11. We love God more than we love our spouse. This is something I have to remind myself daily. It is not easy to spend more time with God than I spend with Eric, because I spend almost every waking minute with him. But it’s our goal that God is No. 1, and our spouse comes second. Family is third. Mixing up this order is dangerous.
12. We pray together. You can read about our bedtime routine in depth, but praying is a solid piece of it. We take turns praying out loud together. We thank God for each other, and ask Him to fill us with His spirit and lead us on the path He’s set out for us.
Obviously, we don’t know everything about this marriage thing–we’re just learning (and documenting here) as we go. Rules get broken from time to time. This is part of being human. We try our hardest to talk things out, and forgiveness is abundant in our family.
What tips do you have for a healthy marriage? We are still very young, have lots to learn and (hopefully) a future family to raise, so we want to learn from you all as well.
Read six more reasons we’re still married.
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Kelsey, you are so inspirational! I love reading about your stories and your thoughts, and it reminds me of how beneficial writing is for me too! (I desperately need to get back to blogging!!!) Keep up the good work!!
Laura, thanks for reading, and for your sweet words! Good luck getting back into blogging. Let us know how it goes
Loved reading this post. In Malta divorce is still not possible, and next month there will be a referendum to see people’s opinions whether to introduce it or not. It’s nice to read positive tips pro marriage.
Marriage is hard. The number one key for us is communication. Being open. Being honest. ALL of the time. Even when it’s something we know the other person doesn’t want to hear. “D” is not an option. It would be a very last resort IF and or WHEN ALL other options have been explored. Now that we have kids (3 nonetheless!) our together time is very minimal….an hour after the two older kids have gone to bed. We try to make it count. We always kiss each other good night and before we walk out the door as well as say I Love You. Going to bed mad doesn’t happen. Marriage is a full time job, but it’s well worth the work!
Yes, I agree that it’s hard to be open when you know the other person doesn’t want to hear it, but each of you–and the relationship as a whole–will be stronger when you’ve talked through it.
I used to let myself go to bed mad, and Eric hated it. I’m glad to say we’ve resolved that issue and I no longer let it happen.
FABULOUS post!!
I have to say, that Michael and I (married 33 years this July) are still married today precisely because of all 12 of these reasons!! Well, we didn’t ever go to Financial Peace University but we did read Financial Peace (it’s the one that was out first, before Total Money Makeover.)
EVERY. ONE. IS. CRUCIAL. !!
Well done. I’m so glad to have found your blog.
By the way, here’s a great post about finances and marriage by Megan Miller (who happens to be my daughter):
“Nobody ever said managing your finances with your spouse would be romantic, but maybe they should have…”
http://www.meghmiller.com/learning-to-manage-money-is-great-for-your-marriage/
Gail,
Wow. Thank you so much for stopping by, and for reading. We are huge fans of you and your husband. What wonderful and intentional leaders you are. Thanks for your kind words. I’m going to check out Megan’s blog right now!
Seriously, talk about providence and God’s timing. The boy and I are in the midst of major pre-engagement type talks and these are the issues that come up a lot for us, especially in regards to how much work is involved in marriage (up until a month ago, he was under the impression if you really loved someone, it was never work). I shared this with him and it definitely continued the good track of conversation we were on. Thank you for sharing. Expect an e-mail from me soon Kelsey! (Eric, will probably be asking your opinion on a few things too
Sarah, this is so exciting! I got your email, and just sent you a long one back! Good stuff!
In addition to your list, I think that allowing “me time” is also fantastic. Leith and I sometimes have to/want to go on our own vacations, like a trip to Costa Rica with the girls or a trip to Australia to be alone with his family. Even girl/guy weekends can be beneficial. If you maintain your individual identity within the marriage, you won’t grow to resent each other. Furthermore, you’ll allow your identities to bloom, which are notably what captured each other’s hearts in the first place!
This is in addition to having our adventures together, of course. You can never go without a good adventure or ten!
But Leith and I do the same when it comes to sharing every detail of our lives, right down to buying a snickers from the vending machine. It sounds so silly but it’s so important!
Oh, and another thing we’ve discovered: pets are a good way to increase the communication skills needed for having children. We probably won’t have kids for another 5 years, perhaps even longer, but our puppies have taught us so much! They’re a lot like babies than people may think! We’ve had to communicate through sleepless nights and pooped-in crates.
Anyway, that’s my two-cents! Marriage is awesome!
Benay, thanks so much for these tips! I think you’re right. Girls’ nights always make me look forward to going home to Eric! And I love what you said about allowing “your identities to bloom, which are notably what captured each other’s hearts in the first place.” Very cool!
We do not have pets or children (yet), so thanks for the insight. I love that we can learn from each other.
That was so encouraging and I can totally relate to the majority of it (if not all). But I absolutely love and appreciate the fact that you keep God #1 and have your priorities in line! So good. and so necessary in a society where the “D” word is flippantly used and resorted too! I also love the fact that your post makes it so clear that communication is key to any successful marriage! Everything was so nicely presented!
Thanks for sharing!
Mandy
Mandy, your words are too kind! It takes hard work every single day, but it’s totally worth it! Thanks for reading.
Kelsey, what a great post! I love everything you have to say here, but #10 – We Don’t Take Ourselves too Seriously, was our most difficult to overcome. Especially ‘competing against each other’. Figuring out what that means, how we’re doing it, and most importantly, how to stop! Just circles back to being open, honest, and learning together. And allowing a laugh when you’re the most vulnerable! Because, in our situation, college, kids, more college, and changing head of households brings lots of ups and downs. Just have to share it all, laugh about everything, and learn how to make it work for us!
You and Eric are definitely an inspiration, look forward to more great posts!
I totally agree. I love what you said about learning how to make it work for you. It’s so true! We’re not saying all these things will be true for everyone, but it’s our experience thus far, and it’s been so rewarding to learn tips from everyone else, as well.
love that you shared these with us, kels! thanks for the tips and for your honest and heartfelt writing.
XOXO
Thanks for the post Kelsey. Mike and I read this together and decided to take this advice and run! We’re looking forward to more posts like this. Thanks for the links to learn more too!
Thanks so much for reading, and for letting us know you were here!
I’m thrilled that y’all read this together and are willing to learn together!
I am blown away by all the great comments. Kels and I couldn’t be more excited about the great ideas that everyone has shared here in the comments. We’re bringing ‘Marriage’ back. Thanks everyone!!
Wow, this was a fantastic post! These are things I am just learning in the 6th year of my second marriage, so it makes me really happy to see you guys understand it already! Here’s wishing you guys many more years of a love that grows in depth and breadth.
Thanks so much Shauntelle!
I just found this via Makeunder My Life. Very inspiring! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for reading Alli!
This is an AWESOME post. I totally agree with your list. Although, I have to admit that there are some things that I need to be reminded of, and keep working on… So thank you!
Thank you for this post. It has really encouraged me to work on my marriage and make it the best it can be.
Kelsey I love this. Such good advice! I especially love the one about taking walks because I am such a walker and can think of so many good talks I’ve had with friends on walks in the past. So what a fun thought to be able to do that with my husband someday
I can see you are an expert at your field! I am launching a website soon, and your details will be really fascinating for me.. Thanks for all your assist and wishing you all of the success.
Loved this post and totally agree with all 12 of the reasons you mentioned. I’m off to read about your bedtime routine next. Thanks for sharing great reasons (and methods) for making marriage last.
Thanks for this encouragement! You guys might like a book I’ve been reading: With by Skye Jethani.
Great post! I do agree that it is important never to joke about divorce. However, I do think it’s important to talk about each partner’s attitude to divorce before they get married. If one person sees it as an option, and the other doesn’t, that’s something that needs to be discussed before marriage. For me, it was important for me to think about the fact that people change. While I believe my husband and I have a strong marriage and that we will be able to work through any changes together, it was important for me to talk about what would happen if our problems seemed too hard to overcome. Would we go to counseling? Would we consider divorce? etc. I’ve also heard stories of women who have no assets after a divorce (or even access to money in a joint bank account), so we’ve decided to keep our separate bank accounts open, partially for that reason. (Another reason is that we have a joint bank account for joint purposes, but a small amount of our joint money is deposited into our separate accounts for “fun” purchases like clothing, coffee, etc.)