The Hardest Decision

I've wanted to write this post for a while, but was waiting for some things to fall into place. The hardest decision I have ever had to make is how to spend my time now that I'm a mom. It's been a tough balance for me to add the responsibility of parenting on top of what I already had going on. I have been wrestling with this for many months now, and am excited that I can finally share with all of you.

The cries of my heart:

• I want my priorities (God, self, husband, child, extended family and then career) to be reflected in how I spend my time. Right now that is not happening. I sit stand in a cubicle for eight-plus hours a day, and see my baby for much less than that. Two or three. I have such an interest in parenting and want to do more of it.

• I like having a job, having coworking friends and contributing to our family's finances. I am a writer/editor and I love when I'm able to use my gifts to help others. When it's done right, I feel really good about what I do.

• I don't want to wake up some day and feel like I missed seeing my child(ren) grow up. It has been hard on me emotionally to be apart from Rooney all day/week.

• I want to be busy with the right things, and give my best to those things.

• I can't be two places at once. When I became a mom, I didn't stop being a wife, daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, employee, etc. There are still only 24 hours in a day, but I have more responsibility now and have changed as a person.

• I can't do everything and do it well. It is hard in many ways for me to balance being a wife and mother and employee - it has been a daily struggle.

So there you have it - I'm confessing that I wasn't able to "do it all" as a full-time working mom. I was too drained after a full day of work to love my husband how I want to love him, to be as involved as I want to be in the daily upbringing of our child, and to stay on top of the dishes and laundry and groceries and errands. There have been many rough days, and even more tears.

It became apparent soon after I went back to work that we needed a better balance. I didn't want to make a quick, irreversible decision out of high emotion or crazy hormones, but now that Rooney is 7 months old, it feels right and we don't want to wait any longer!

I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world to say that I am cutting hours! I got a new job! At our church! Writing and editing! And I will get to spend Wednesdays at home with Roo!

Doesn't it sound perfect? To me, this new situation feels like I am "getting it all." And it is amazing, looking back, to see how God was at work and orchestrating this months ago, and how he prepared my heart and our family for the change.

I've wanted this for a long time. I've hinted at it here before, so you might not be too surprised. And I'm so happy that this is what Eric wants for me, too. It will be really hard on both of us to not carpool, work together and see each other whenever we want during the day. But this new situation will be really good for us. It's been a leap of faith and a financial sacrifice, but so worth it. I'll write more about how we made the numbers work, but I just couldn't go any longer without sharing our exciting news!

This has been a really hard decision for us, and it's even harder when I get emails from readers who are disappointed that we send our daughter to day care. Please know that just because this is what we think, hope and pray will work for our family, doesn't mean it will work for your family. Thank you.